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92 days to go

January 14, 2011

What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate. (This is a very meandering and boring entry- feel free to skip it)

So, tonight was educational. Yeah, we didn’t do the sprints, or the stairs, because I threw a strop. I anticipated doing my run and then carrying on but Matt had in mind starting the sprint thingy on the hill- now, the hill is where my puff runs out totally and my temper simmers very close to the surface. Because that part is hard. I put my head down and get through it, just don’t interrupt or disturb me. Now normally this part is conducted in silence so as yet I hadn’t known this about myself. Nor had Matt. I learnt that today. So did Matt. I guess it was all just a little too ambitious, after all I’ve only just started being able to run the route in a semi conscious state. By saying ‘started’ it sounds so much more established then just one or two runs.

I also realised that I have some great ideas and epiphanies whilst running, only problem being I generally forget them as soon as I stop. Generally I think about how I can make this blog better, more networked, how I can improve a gazzilion and one things. I think about work a lot, which is a sign that I find it engaging I guess, but that’s a matter for another more private blog, methinks. I think about people, friends and I also think about those soldiers and how I really shouldn’t trivialise their experience by comparing it to mine, but I just find that by thinking that they must’ve at some point felt like this too, like it’s just too hard and pointless… but that’s where I find it trivialises as I realise that they probably had more riding on their exercises, they had to learn to walk, whilst I just need to learn to jog because by my own volition I created this hairbrained scheme, yeah, so these are the debates that rage in my mind.

All these thoughts keep me from thinking about what a granny I look like, shuffling along. I shuffle. I jog like a normal person at the first part of the run. Shuffle in the middle up the hill and down past the cinema (try pick up the pace as there are people about and I like to look the part! Although the other day I caught a far too sympathetic look and I said some witty one liner that unfortunately was more grunt then eloquence. Quickly the sympathy turned to bewilderment bordering on fear. It really isn’t cool to communicate openly to people in certain London settings. Or it could be because some sweaty, shuffling freak grunting in passing autogenerates some primordial reaction in people?) Anyway, back to the actual running, I sprint like a master at the end of the run and I think that’s what baffles Matt is that I do that. But the thing is I can see the end point. I know when I’m stopping and I know for sure it’ll all be over so I can find whatever deep resource I need to get this over and done with in as short a space of time. Hence, I can sprint at the end of the run. So for me to sprint in the middle, or beginning of anything when I know there is a hard slog still to come you end up with what we had tonight. Followed by 40 minutes of me pondering why I reacted like that. What the psychology behind it is. Then about how I behave like I’m the one pleasing Matt, and so when my temper flares, he’s in the firing line. But then I have a chat to myself and remind myself that he doesn’t need to do this. I don’t need to do this, I’m choosing to do it, so behaving like some stroppy prima donna is not exactly in my favour or interests. But the thing is, in the moment, no matter how self aware I am retrospectively, I do what needs to be done to make it stop. Those sprints had to stop because they were hard and I just didn’t want to do them. Could the psychology of my laziness and choices etc make sense to me, yes they could, retrospectively, at the time, I just don’t care, I want to do what I know I can do- even if it’s not that good, even if it’s shuffling because at least I know I can do it slightly better then this, it’s somehow slightly easier. What I need to learn is to say to myself that I can do this. Back to the basics of one step at a time. Not to think about how hard the rest of the run will be after completing these sprints. I will cross that bridge when I get there.

So, taking that logic I cut myself some slack, worked out that in order for me to be able to do the sprint/ jog/ walk melarkey we just need to choose a different route because then my brain has no idea what’s coming up, no idea how hard it’ll be and will just crack on with the job at hand, because I need to learn how to encourage myself and I’ll only accomplish this by pushing myself very hard. I don’t have long left to master this art, to get fit, so I need to stop bitching, dig deep and man up. Come On, Britt where’s your grit? (can’t really say that to myself too often though as i get annoyed and answer myself back… how many of you do that, then?

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